Shame.

 It’s a face of fear that I’m afraid to even talk about.

I’m afraid because I’ll have to make myself vulnerable to you, and share how painful and destructive shame has been in my own life.

I’d rather hide, like Adam and Eve in the garden, than show you the nakedness of my imperfections.

I’d rather live with my pretty make up on, so you never see the mask of shame that lies hidden just below.

But I’m going to share, because the fear of shame has ruled my life for far too long and hiding it was little by little killing me off inside.

The problem is, God did not create me to hide from life, he created me to live life to the fullest. Hiding from God and from you, living life constantly wearing make-up, trying to be perfect at everything, is incredibly painful. And destructive.

Because the face of the fear of shame is driven by perfectionism.

Research in human behavior confirms that perfectionism can lead us down the path of depression, anxiety, addiction and life paralysis:

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame.” –Brene Brown

We know it’s true, but why are we women so consumed with trying to be perfect? And why is it so difficult for us to admit that we live and act out of our feelings of shame? That we are constantly battling the voice in our head that tells us we are not good enough?

We try to be who another person wants us to be so they will accept us and not reject us. We do everything that we know is “good” in an effort to feel good about ourselves and please others. We share the “right” things instead of the real things going on in our thoughts and lives. We know that we don’t measure up to “her,” and might not get the recognition we so desperately need, so we can’t support “her” in her success. We may even covertly try to make “her” look bad so we look better.

Ouch.

This behavior is called shame-avoidance. The fear of feeling the pain of our own feelings of unworthiness leads us to act in ways to protect ourselves from it. But we don’t want to call it shame. We want to call it embarrassment, insecurity, shyness, or lack of self-esteem. Or, in an effort to appear more Christian-like we dress it up as “humility” or “submission,” or <gasp> even “being a woman of God.”

The truth is, we are trying to avoid feeling shame—the painful feeling caused by the consciousness or exposure of unworthiness.

Did you know that shame was the first emotion Adam and Eve felt in the Garden of Eden after they ate the apple?

At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they sewed fig leaves together to cover themselves.

When the cool evening breezes were blowing, the man and his wife heard the Lord God walking about in the garden. So they hid from the Lord God among the trees. Then the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He replied, “I heard you walking in the garden, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked.”

“Who told you that you were naked?” the Lord God asked. Genesis 3:7-11 NLT

The interesting thing is that their first reaction of shame was not out of guilt for what they had done, it was out of the recognition of who they now were.

They suddenly realized they weren’t perfect anymore.

It was a painful “aha” moment for all of us.

Their imperfections were now exposed—they were naked before God, not ashamed of what they had done, but suddenly ashamed of how God had made them. And we all know who the liar was that told them they were naked!

I ask you, have you ever felt this way? It’s one thing to be ashamed of what we have done (and thankfully, because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross we have access to repentance and forgiveness), but to feel ashamed of who you are? That you don’t measure up to the standard of perfection that you think the world and God expects?

Honestly, I’ve never met a woman who has not struggled with the same shame that Adam and Eve felt. Or a woman who does not battle that same lying voice that tries to tell her she is not perfect.

What do we women do with our shame of not being perfect? Just like Adam and Eve, we hide.  We cover up our nakedness and vulnerability with clothing that never quite does the trick, (c’mon, really? a fig leaf?), and try to hide our real selves in the shadows where hopefully others (and even God) can’t see.

Some Bible scholars think that before Adam and Eve ate the apple, they lived clothed in the glorious light of God. But after the bite, that light went out, leaving them feeling exposed and naked.

The blackness of shame appeared for the first time. And perhaps this is why God now had to search for them in the garden. This was a big deal for them, and it’s still a big deal for us, because…

Shame can extinguish God’s light in us. Or at the very least diminish it.

Living a life of shame-avoidance, living with the constant fear of our imperfections being exposed, diminishes our ability to shine the light of God to the world.

Brene Brown has conducted years of research on shame and vulnerability, and has come to the conclusion that in order for us to overcome perfectionism, and to be free the fear of shame we need to not only accept our imperfections, we need to embrace them:

“It is in the process of embracing our imperfections that we find our truest gifts: courage, compassion, and connection.”

The cloak of shame hides the clothing of Christ (Galatians 3:27) we so desperately desire to wear.

The fear of shame keeps us from:

• developing meaningful relationships
• stepping out in courage to be who God created us to be
• showing compassion and love to a broken world
• forgiving ourselves and others for our imperfections
• being able to love like Jesus loves (not just when we feel like it)
• discovering true joy and fullness of life
• understanding just how beautiful we are

I’m telling you, Eve was beautiful clothed in the glorious light of God. And so are we when we’re able to take off our make-up, shed our cloak of shame, and embrace our imperfections as opportunities for God to put his glory on display.

Because his perfect love, and his perfect beauty can only be seen through our imperfect-ness.

There is no fear of shame in the face of his real and perfect love:

God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.

We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first. 1 John 4: 17-19 MSG

I pray we may be formed in love, freed from the fear of shame, and infused with courage to come out of hiding to show our imperfect faces that reflect the perfection of his beauty.

~ Linda

Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. Psalm 34:5 NLT

Join the red shoe revolution and dare to put God’s love on display!

Copyright 2012, do it afraid, Linda Crawford.